There will be days
I can't seem to think of or write anything today without it quickly becoming very reflective and maybe even a little morose -- at the very least, there's a definite melancholy spin. (Chin up.) There's nothing definitively wrong, really, outside of The Big WRONG, and maybe that's just it -- even though my brother doesn't know when his birthday is or what year it is right now, there are so many variables and outside factors that you can't really make a judgment. No one can make a determination or a prediction or anything. (Chin up.) This is all normal for recovery from traumatic brain injury, from being pumped full of morphine and a variety of sedatives for the better part of three weeks -- and this could go on for weeks and months and *gulp* a year or two. It's that time and patience thing again, and positive thinking and hope and prayers and optimism (chin up stuff) and, well, it's been three weeks already! (Patience, patience, patience!!!) There are many, many things for which to be thankful, I know, and it's for those things and not for those things that I cried all the way to work today. (Chin up.)
I read Laurie's Fractured Fairy Tale over the weekend and the comment she made to the person who caused her husband's injury keeps going through my head on a loop: "...you have altered my husband's life and my life for the foreseeable future, and you have made it into a nightmare." Altered lives and nightmares. No kidding. In the blink of an eye and forever. (Chin up.)
I can't believe it's been three weeks. He was sprung from ICU last night. That's worthy of a Woo and a Hoo, huh? Yeah!
It'll be fine. It was a pretty great weekend, really. And it's always good when Katie posts sheepie pics for me/us. And I finally turned the heel of that stupid sock I've been working on. (I'm using that as a term of endearment; it's not really stupid.)
Is it just me in my mood today -- the mother of three fabulous sweaters fast approaching and/or on the cusp of adulthood -- or did anyone else laugh through tears while reading Stephanie's post today?
First off, you're allowed a day where you cry yourself to work - regardless of the stuff that's been going on. When you add in the stuff that's been going on - oh my god! I can't believe you haven't cried yourself to work everyday! Knowing you, you've been so strong for everyone, I'm sure you need to break down for yourself. Especially now that things look like they're going to be okay - in the long run. He's out of immediate danger so it's the perfect time to let all those fears and unspoken what ifs rise to the surface. Let them go. I'm here if you want to call. L, C
PS - Thanks for being such a big help today. You like them both. Sheesh! ;-)
Posted by: Cara | 21 March 2006 at 04:54 PM
The timing of Stephanie's post was ideal. Hannah announced today that a boy likes her. Oh god.
Posted by: Carole | 21 March 2006 at 05:17 PM
You and Laurie have been in my thoughts daily. You can ask Smith how many times I say 'Vicki's brother and 'Laurie' in the course of a day. You are on a roller coaster ride that may not end for some time and it's ok to let your guard down and let all the sorrow and frustration come out. It's what will get you through. Big hugs and love to you, sweet one.
Posted by: margene | 21 March 2006 at 06:08 PM
Woo Hoo! I'm glad to know he's out of ICU. Mike's got a long road to recovery ahead, but things will get better. Hang in there, Vicki.
Posted by: Celia | 21 March 2006 at 06:10 PM
I realize the comparison is rather like apples and oranges, but two years ago next month my 84 year old mother had MAJOR heart surgery. None of us expected her to live past the surgery. The recovery period was long, exhausting for her and for those of us watching and caring for her. More times than I can count we all wondered if it was worth it. Today she is still on a staggering amount of medication, but is well and feeling better than she has in years. Like I said, the comparison is poor at best, but time does make things better. The wait is ugly and frustrating, but makes us all better people in the process. Hugs and wishes for many better days.
Posted by: Holly | 21 March 2006 at 06:30 PM
Hi Vicki, I was just wanting to commiserate, my mother underwent an TBI two weeks before my wedding last fall, and boy is it a long road. She is awake and aware now and has been doing well, but has come to the point where she knows she used to be "different" and wants to be normal again. She still hasn't regained feeling in her left arm, and her short-term memory still has a few kinks in it, but at least she remembers who we are, right? I'm sorry about your [ed. brother], that would put me under in an instant, but as my mother's guardian I know how you feel in a way. If you ever need to commiserate just drop me a line, best of wishes! Hang in there :)
Posted by: Risa | 21 March 2006 at 07:42 PM
Baby steps - he's out of ICU which is definitely worth a w00t! ;o)
I know it sucks that he doesn't remember some stuff but at least he recognizes his loved ones. *hugs*
Posted by: JessaLu | 21 March 2006 at 10:04 PM
I agree, it's probably your turn to run out of "chin ups" and need a chance to feel the sorrow you have been carrying around. Be good to yourself.
Posted by: Birdsong | 21 March 2006 at 11:21 PM
Stephanies post was very apt for me , one of my sweaters is driving me crazy!! Katies sheep looks like its smiling for the camera.
Crying is allowed, you can only hold your chin up for so long before it gives up, take care.
Posted by: yvette | 22 March 2006 at 12:10 AM
You're allowed to wallow once in a while! The key is to do up it good and then move on. After all you've been through, I think I'd worry about you if you didn't have a bad day now and then. I loved Stephanie's post too. Maybe that's why we all love knitting so much - as a metaphor for life, with just a little bit more control (or so we think).
Posted by: Dorothy | 22 March 2006 at 08:25 AM
Vicki - when there is a "Big Wrong," it's sometimes really hard to keep the chin up......I've vowed to allow myself to let the chin fall down a few times a day, briefly. Then I pull it back up, take a deep breath and go on.
The blue squares are accumulating - Michael's should be done by the end of the first week of April.............
Posted by: christine | 22 March 2006 at 08:33 AM
Crying is totally understandable - heck bunches of us have shed tears on your behalf. I do love the sheep you have posted, in some way will helps make things better.
And the Harlot had me in stitches too; I'm scared to death of the thought of steaks and button bands and all of those advanced technical things I only read about - a lot like my son just becoming a teenager.
Posted by: cursingmama | 22 March 2006 at 09:17 AM
I can only imagine the stress you are experiencing with your [ed. brother]! I pray you will have strength and that your [ed. brother] will continue to improve daily!! A nice long bath, a glass of wine and a good long cry is never a bad thing! You do what you have to do to make it through each day...whatever the day may bring!!
God Bless You!!!
Posted by: Yarn Collector | 22 March 2006 at 09:26 AM
Having your brother sprung from the ICU is indeed worthy of a Woo and a Hoo. I think that in times like this when there is such unbelievable stress it's absolutely acceptable - in fact imperative - that you let it go now and again. Venting through tears or a conversation with a good friend is always the right thing.
Posted by: hillary | 22 March 2006 at 09:53 AM
I don't think I can say it better than anyone else has already --- of course you need to have a good cry every now and then, maybe even a good cry, a good scream and a good shout. and possibly a good cry, a good scream and a good shout and some good punches thrown at the pillow...... and then a good blowing of your nose and a nice cup of tea.
Posted by: ann | 22 March 2006 at 10:01 AM
I just wanted to say my thoughts are with you and yours for your brothers recovery - I'm sending all my positive energy your way and lots of hugs!
Posted by: chris | 23 March 2006 at 05:49 AM