...but OH.MY.GOD that was scary.
I realized, when I was finally able to read my messages last night, that some of y'all have not been hanging on my EVERY word over the past two years, a few haven't even "known" me that long. This post pretty much sums up what's going on. Even quicker: one of my twin sisters was diagnosed with lung cancer two years ago.
I blogged about it a little bit in the beginning. I was going to blog about it a lot -- bitch and kvetch, moan and groan, cry on my corner of the world wide shoulder. Then I learned that she read my blog. She not only read my blog, she looked forward to reading my blog -- as in one of the highlights of her day -- everyday, right up there with The View and General Hospital -- and called me on it more than once when I'd have a miss.
Well, I had to change that tune... to one a bit more upbeat. Which is good, you know? It is difficult to look at my blogging objectively, but I've always tried to use it for good; in fact, I've often used it to turn my own mood around -- and successfully. It is like therapy. Maybe that's why it can seem so hard sometimes.
This happened at a time when I was thinking about giving up the blog altogether. I'd knit and blogged a couple of epics (started and/or frogged a few others), quit smoking, blogged my brother's accident -- too much, not enough; paraded the family on occasion, and even the pets (one dog, three cats); babies, birthdays -- I turned 50 on the blog; house and garden projects; travel, school, photography; tango. Over the course of all that -- while also becoming less anonymous and more known (in a small-time knit-blogger way) -- I became less open and more reserved -- and, in my opinion, the blogging suffered. I didn't enjoy blogging as much.
But now my sister was sick with a terminal disease and she looked forward to reading my blog everyday. There was nothing to do but continue to blog (almost) everyday... and to enjoy it and be happy about it.
Not so hard, really. Really??? Stupidly simple.
So this is where I've been coming from for a while -- feeling sometimes not quite "real," because everything on the blog is put through the my-most-private-and-most-guarded-sister filter first.
Oh no I've said too much
I haven't said enough
"Losing My Religion," R.E.M.
I helped her move into a new apartment a month ago -- she has always had a knack for finding the cutest apartments, and this one -- in an old school -- is no different. It was a tough move and, in combination with a number of other factors, it showed. Big time. Big, big time. And one way I knew was that she wasn't reading... connecting.
Well, I'm not going to get much more into details -- I will do my best to respect my sister's desire for privacy about the thing that is happening to her that is also (increasingly) having a very deep affect on the daily lives of people who love her. Mom and I had planned to visit for the day on Wednesday. We knew that things were not right and set to the business of making them right -- in Mom's case, that means cleaning, scrubbing and shining things, and doing laundry (the building laundry room conveniently located right across the hall!) while I did... I dunno, I went shopping and made calls and met with people and made more calls. And then, suddenly, things turned really scary bad. Luckily, the right people were in the right place at the right time -- and we all worked at pulling her back up and, eventually, set on a new course.
It's still my sister's course -- that's the most important thing to her, and the most important thing that I (we) can give to her for as long as we can. There are modifications, certainly, for health, care and safety, but she's still on her course -- and the fog is beginning to lift.
Mom & I ended up staying overnight and all day yesterday, helping to steady the ship... the bathroom and kitchen of which could not be much cleaner, and there's practically nothing made of cloth that hasn't been laundered. "I need more quarters," was a mantra yesterday.
Well, I have no doubt that she'll be reading again and that she'll feel the love and power in all of your expressions of concern and well wishes. We are not strangers to the power of the blog. Thank you all so much.
We now return to your regularly scheduled -- and hopefully mundane -- programming.
TGIF. For sure.